I decided these past couple of months to change my narrative. I have ended some chapters. And have begun writing a new story where I am the main character. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about my story so far.
I have heard and seen the title of the “main character” as a way to describe feminine individuals who love themselves. It’s the videos of them seemingly enjoying life, going on vacations, taking care of themselves through self-care, and working out. They are presented as individuals who have their life all figured out. Now I am not judging them for what they want to post especially because I also want to post the better versions of my life. We all do. We all want people to think our life is great, that we feel amazing about ourselves and how life is going. I along with others probably do feel amazing about ourselves and how life is going, at times.
The reality is though, that not every day is productive, easygoing, and filled with fun events. Not every day do I feel like getting up, making my bed, cooking a breakfast, going on a walk, writing a blog post, or doing anything. Some days I just want to rest and take a break from all the good stuff I was supposed to be doing. I know I’m not the only one to say that breaks are necessary and an important part of maintaining good mental health. That you are allowed to not show up that day.
I do think that adding physical changes into your day can help with your emotions and thoughts. Whenever I go to the gym it helps me release anger, frustration, and tension. Afterward, I also feel a sense of pleasure for pushing myself to exercise. The complete focus on feeling my muscles tense distracts my mind from any stress. And I’m too exhausted to overthink when the workout is over. Whenever I maintain a routine I feel more organized and prepared to continue my day. It is the little things of finishing your skincare routine at night, cleaning your space, making that cup of coffee (or tea!) in the morning, taking a shower, journaling, and eating nutritious foods as well as less healthy foods to fulfill yourself (all in moderation), and so on.
But what if those physical changes are not enough to make yourself feel like the main character. You can still do all those things and still feel dissatisfied with yourself. Through my book, The Body Keeps The Score*, I learned that trauma can keep a person in the state of the trauma. This is because of a couple of things. Based on what the author said, individuals who have endured trauma act in the ways they do because of “actual changes in the brain”. The author exclaims that “…trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical, embodied feeling of being alive.” Basically the body remains in the survival mood of where the trauma began; trauma keeps you in the place you are unhealed. Gesh! This is starting to become an essay! But when I read that line, it made sense to me.
The parts you don’t see are those moments where my triggers come out in my relationships. The negative words I say to myself to reinforce the assumptions I thought about myself based on the way I was treated. The behaviors I made to fulfill a “void”. The things I taught myself in order to survive- to hide my emotions, to use distractions. The way how the self-protective walls impacted my relationship with others and myself. How I struggle with cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, codependency, hyper independence, self-worth, and overall just loving myself.
So what is healing for me? Healing is the combination of the physical attributes as well as the emotional work of undoing the things I taught myself. Sometimes it’s just sitting with myself, allowing my emotions and thoughts to spiral. It’s the feeling of relief of connecting dots; feeling that weight being lifted off. It is also okay to miss the comfortability, that misunderstanding of what you thought love was, and that version of yourself. That person is still there, but in this process, you are learning to outgrow these behaviors that are now harmful to your mental and emotional health. This may include having to leave individuals behind, creating stronger boundaries, being self aware, and not letting your past emotions consume you.
Healing is not just the aftermath of noticing your growth, it is the entire journey it took to get you there. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself for what happened, and what’s ahead. And be aware that this whole time, you were the main character!
*This blog post is affiliated with Amazon, through the link “book”
