My first date was in 6th grade, we went to the movie theater. He bought me some Reese’s pieces and we held hands. I was picked up by my mom feeling so cool that I could say I had a boyfriend. Dating now that I’m almost 19 years old is new. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about learning to play the dating game.
I just recently went on a date. We had some pasta at an Italian restaurant I had never been before. He brought me a flower bear, paid for the dinner and walked me to my car. I left the restaurant feeling so cool that I could say I enjoyed myself. Just as before I was nervous and a bit self conscious. Only this time I knew that this was so much more than just watching a movie and eating popcorn next to someone I thought was nice.
I had spent time figuring out where I went wrong before. I had realized my patterns, acknowledged my faults, and knew I needed to up my standards. I was in battle with myself, unsure if I was doing the right thing or if they were doing the right thing. Everything felt so new because it was new. It was different knowing more about myself, knowing more about what I needed in someone. But how do I navigate this? I have never thought about logistics before, or considered is this person even good for me. I just based it off of whether I was attracted to them and that was it.
I am learning a new game, with instructions on how to play are currently confusing. But I know who I am right. I can learn how to play by following my own instructions. We all have our own paces, expectations, faults, cycles, and experiences- our instructions. Our experiences and responses to them point us in certain directions, whether it be the same repeated cycle or you deciding this is not the game piece you wish to play. The people we surround ourself with are the players, who gets to influence where you place your piece. How we choose to play and invite to our game becomes important.
Whew that was alot of game analogies! But what does all that mean? Knowing who you are can be very helpful in the dating game (oops mentioned the word “game” again, sorry!). As I have mentioned before in previous blogs, I have connected alot of how I behave back to my childhood experiences. Exploring why I have repeated the same patterns, have a certain type, and how that wasn’t working for me. In my Fairytale Love blog I talked about how we suffer in the ways that feel familiar and how we should go for someone who is not our first instinct. As easy as it is to hear and write about how we should or should not behave, it’s less easier knowing whether we are doing the right thing.
I am wired in ways to protect myself from getting potentially hurt, so I will self sabotage. I will give with one foot out the door. I must run before they get too close. I will overthink in my mind for why the relationship will not work out, how the way this person talks is annoying, and anything to detach myself- stop myself to fall for someone. I learned this to be an avoidant attachment style1. Basically it means I have developed a coping mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt by not being fully vulnerable and open towards the other. This usually comes from parental figures in childhood who didn’t meet the needs of the child- neglected physical needs such as safety, food, shelter and/or emotional needs such as unallowing certain emotions to be expressed, few signs of empathy for the child, and not providing enough affection. Even though I did have my physical needs meet, my emotional needs were a bit lack luster.
I taught myself to build an emotional wall and hide my feelings. I felt that bringing up emotions was a burden and evoked stress in the household. I also worried that expressing myself would lead the person to run away from me- abandonment issues2.I will self sabotage here too, by pushing people away before they have a chance to be there for me. This is partially why I am most comfortable being on my own- hyper independence3.
I had come aware that these coping mechanisms that I had developed were causing issues in relationships with others as well as the one I was having with myself. Having all this information made me feel sad for myself. And sometimes I’m not sure how to digest the realizations. At least now when I can feel myself close up I can call it out for what it is, I can dive deep in it if I’m in a safe place to understand where this trigger is coming from, and then gain even more information about myself. As unsettling and uncomfortable it may be, this is an opportunity to grow. Knowing all these characteristics and qualities can give you the chance to get out of the repeated cycles. You can’t play as effective if you don’t really know the rules of the game. Or in other words you may not know what you need or want in the dating world without understanding yourself first.
I decided to go on the second date and the third one is coming up. The truth is I don’t know what will happen, if this will last, or if this will be a forever thing. This person may very well decide that this is not what they need for themselves and walk away. But I get to choose how I move my game pieces. I can decide to remain emotionally sealed, assume that this person will act similar to the way others did, and not allow myself to be welcomed with affection. Or I can remind myself that that was the past, that I am wiser now and I know how I want to be treated. I can allow myself to trust, to love and to be vulnerable.
There is no right way to act really. Of course being abusive and violent is not the way to go. I mean you should not have to pressure yourself into thinking there is a correct way to play when dating. Some people get together earlier than others. Some people wait until they feel comfortable. Once again everyone has different things they have to deal with, struggle with. There can only be your own rules, it’s your game. I just hope you find someone who you can grow with, who will allow you to feel safe enough to express yourself however you need to, and is willing to learn your instructions.
Links I used for wanting to understand myself better:
1). Attachment style video by School of Life: https://youtu.be/2s9ACDMcpjA
- This channel provides lots more similar types of videos, if you want to learn more about other aspects that pertain to you
Attachment style quiz (which of the main 3 types are you?): https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz
2).What is abandonment issues? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonment
3). Personality type quiz: https://personalitypath.com/?v=7516fd43adaa
Understanding hyper-independence: https://psychcentral.com/health/hyper-independence-trauma
