In kindergarten I did a drawing with all my family members and wrote about how much I love them. For Mother’s and Father’s day there was a school project I would do every year. I would be told how important family is, how we must be grateful and appreciative of our families. So for today’s tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about acknowledging that it is okay to have boundaries when it comes to family.
My therapist was talking to me about how we are biologically wired to be attached to our parents at birth. That we have a need to depend on our parents, our family. School, and even family members emphasize this by telling us how family will always be there for us. I grew up with holidays being a huge deal because that’s when all my family members would come to be together. I love my family, of course, but I have been noticing I find it difficult to admit that sometimes I don’t.
Family, at least for me, is not cookie cutter. Let’s be real parents are complicated. They come from complicated parents, who might have unresolved issues and childhood feelings they carry with them to their children. They are imperfect beings as we all are. And this fact can be upsetting because it can feel as though it is dismissing your unresolved feelings. You are allowed to feel whatever emotion that comes up even if it’s not a nice one. This can be difficult, telling yourself its okay to be mad, sad and/or hurt over whats been said or done. I find it tough acknowledging that someones who is supposed to give you unconditional love and care could make you feel as though they don’t. It’s not to say they did it on purpose or with intent for they probably have no idea what they are doing but it also doesn’t mean you have to find it okay. I know that I would not find this okay in my romantic partners and I would walk out the door.
But how could you walk out of your family?! As they would say.
The judgment around those who openly recognize that this relative is toxic to their being, is insensitive. If the person feels they need to protect themselves from anyone for the sake of their own mental health then they should feel they can. Even though society tells us that family matters most, doesn’t mean it needs to be a bigger priority than yourself. Now that I am an adult and have the luxury to be more on my own, I can make these boundaries. I can say no to a family dinner if I am not up for it. I can choose who I spend my time with, and for how long I spend it. Just as I could if this person were a friend or a partner.
There’s no shame in wanting better for yourself, doing better for yourself. If someone is not being understanding, making you feel guilty and/or not holding up their end in the relationship then you get to decide is this person deserving of my energy. This is where it can get complicated because you know that this family member is unintentionally hurting you, probably not deserving of my energy but yet I want to have this relationship. I know that I can benefit from boundaries, putting myself first. This is another place you can decide how you want to go about it. Maybe it’s choosing to go to the dinner, and putting on a brave face to try to enjoy the parts you love about this person. Once again recognize that they are what they are, both the parts you love and the parts you hate. Just as I would say about romantic partners, assess how much of what you don’t like, truly bother you. Is this person not respecting me or does it slightly annoy me when they sleep longer than they say they would. We all have levels of tolerance, where we choose what we will accommodate when being with this person. You have control over this. For example, you’re sitting at the dinner table and this family member says something that makes you uncomfortable: you can call them out and say that comment bothered me, you could decide to change the subject, or you can ask to leave the table if you need to recollect yourself. This, by the way, requires alot of strength and it is not easy. You doing this work may also mean that this relative will not be at the same level as you, so their behavior may not change, they might lash out and get defensive especially if you are more emotionally mature. However, this says alot about your character. You are able to recognize your emotions, respond to it in healthy ways, and continue to try to understand yourself.
Unfortunately we don’t have the capability to knock some sense into these people, we can try but most likely will not go our way. We can help ourselves, choose how we respond, and do whatever we need to do for us. Over time maybe our family bonds can grow stronger, for right now though stay giving yourself love.
