I have probably rewritten this particular blog so many times over a few weeks. I keep learning new things- things I want to share in my writing. My situation has also changed a few times whilst trying to figure out how to write this blog post. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, I will spill the tea on what’s been going on so far in this new year and lessons I will take with me for years to come.
The last time I looked at this page, I had begun writing about illusions. At the beginning of January, my relationship with my partner took a turn. For the sake of privacy, I will not be going into all the details, but I had to make a tough decision. I had decided to break things off with him because I needed to step away for myself. It was tough because I have always disliked making decisions like this, knowing it may be hurtful to someone else. My gut feeling told me something was wrong, I questioned whether I should stay or leave. I would turn to my friends and family to give me an answer because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I already knew the answer. But I kept trying, holding on to an illusion and ignoring how I was hurting myself by staying. I noticed he was not providing me with what I felt I needed. Usually, I would allow this behavior to persist because maybe I felt I deserved to be treated as such. This time was different though because I stood up for myself. I told him I deserved better, I needed better, and that if he couldn’t do that, then I couldn’t do this.
Then February, the month of love approaches. I’m picking up my pieces, trying to figure out what happened in my relationship, while also I’m not going to lie enjoying a single life. Of course I missed him, especially the moments we shared together. Mostly I struggled with letting go this idea I had of him, what I wanted him to be for me. I had expectations that were unrealistic for him, I had created a version of him that wasn’t who he was at all. It wasn’t until I ended it that I realized I was not seeing him and accepting him for him. I was living in lust, in a fairytale. I fantasized about the relationships future, I envisioned the best version of him and whatever ugliness came was ignored. I know people are imperfect and I had never asked for perfection, but I had become oblivious to any imperfections he may have had. I would reassure myself that he was trying, that he still cared for me, and that he wasn’t like the guys from my past. I could finally tell myself that he was who he was, he is these great qualities but also these not so great qualities. He’s someone to share music with, go on adventures with, have deep conversations with and be unapologetically his silly self. But he was also someone who struggled with asking for help, communicating his emotions and pushed me away when going through darker times. So when I opened my dorm room door to see him standing there holding flowers, chocolate and a card I let him in. It was like meeting him over again, but also like I was talking to an old friend. He exclaimed about how he wanted to do better for me, to be better for me.
I felt giddy knowing there was this possibility things could actually work out. My mind though was filled with self doubt, lingering questions, uncertainty and fear. I turned to my friends again asking for advice, most of which told me he wasn’t worth it. This only made me feel more confused about what to do. I was stressing whether I had made a good decision letting him back in, what if I get hurt again? Is this a red flag? Is this relationship toxic?
This is when I learn something very important:
1). Relationships with people are messy because humans are messy
2). Everyone’s perceptions of relationships are different
3). You are the only person that can know what to do for yourself
People are used to themselves. They have been with themselves their whole life- they know what they like, and what they don’t like. They have their own thoughts, feelings, and understandings of those thoughts and feelings. Everyone has a different background, and different experiences, all of which shape a person. So two unique people come together, and they have to learn about each other’s quirks. Some things you fall in love with, and some things are super annoying but you find yourself liking the person anyways. There’s no such thing as picture-perfect. Both partners will have ups and downs. Some days you find yourself more annoyed with your partner than liking them. This doesn’t necessarily mean you two are incompatible, it simply means that giving your complete self to someone else is hard. Making something happen with someone is tough work. And only you and your partner will know how it will be for you two. Your friends with their own perceptions, and what they want for you may not be what you want for yourself. Of course, your friends can be a good outlook because they care for you, but only you know what to do.
You are the person choosing your partner, so you get to decide whether they are worth the effort, the energy, and your heart. And if you decide that they are no longer the person for you, as much as it sucks, it’s brave to stand up for yourself and to say you want more. There is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes our experiences, our past, and what we have gone through can hold us back from having something greater. You don’t have to wait for your partner to see this too. These things are tough and suck to figure out but whatever you decide make a choice that makes you feel good. Even if that means walking away.
