Dear Friend 12/11/23
I miss you. I miss the person you once were when it was just us. You were there for me and I was there for you. We spent every moment together, always laughing and joking around. Other times we cried together and talked about what we wanted to do in our life. You were my best friend, a friend I thought I would have forever. But things changed. We went our separate ways and grew apart from each other. Even though this is a goodbye, I still love you. I will continuously cherish the moments we did have. And you know maybe one day we can be close friends again. But not for right now. And that’s okay.
Wish you the best,
Brynna
The “L” Word 6/8/23
F*k you, I have someone who stands in front of me who is everything. He has my heart but here you come running around the corner to make me feel like I don’t deserve it. Telling me I don’t deserve love, saying you had this before and you were wrong. Making me feel like I am f*king up again, making me feel like it will end soon because it always does doesn’t it? You made me feel like I could count on you, that you loved and cared about me. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but I know that you hurt me more than I thought possible.
A Spotlight for a Quiet Voice 6/4/23
I have always struggled to admit I’m scared. To say, “I am scared”. I struggle to cry in front of people- even my closest friends & therapist, to let people see me break down in tears. I just had a mental breakdown but a somewhat emotional breakthrough. Whenever I go out in public, regardless of the space I hide myself. I mask up, potentially walking around on eggshells even though it doesn’t feel that way. I fear people seeing the “real me”, my complete self. I thought maybe it was because it was a what-if of some unrealistic worry. I like to- as we all do present myself in my best attributes. I want to be seen as giddy, goofy, friendly, and outgoing. I want others to feel comfortable around me to share anything. I want others to feel I can be their friend they can count on, and be there for. And I feel like I do a pretty good job of that. I think I am an empathetic person that people seem to enjoy. But there is also another version of me I want to keep secret. Because this version is darker. This person is one who’s been through tough situations, been in painful moments, and has been hurt, let down, used, and abused. This person feels lonely and sad sometimes. This person is scared to speak up for their needs and wants. This person sometimes feels ashamed about their bodies or themselves in general. But this person is also me. This person reminds me of how the past reflects the woman I am today. This version of myself deserves a voice, and a place in the spotlight too.
Oh, The Places You’ll Go 6/3/23
It can feel lonely trying to figure yourself out and in a way it is. You are the one who makes these tough decisions, decides what you want to be, who you want to be with, and choose how things go. But you are not an endless project. There is no deadline to “figure it out”. And you can go at whatever pace you like.
Welcome to Adulthood 7/31/23
When you get older you really see reality and it hits you in the face. And change is scary. Or at least it can be, sometimes it’s needed. People come in and out of your life. You grow out of people and things like our toys. We learn more about ourselves, what we want, where we want to be, and who we want to be. I have felt lost in this, it’s new and I have to go with it. This is all a part of life, of becoming an adult. But I would like to think that some things don’t change. Our inner child grows with us. We don’t always have to be so serious, it’s okay not to know, to feel lost and confused about where you’re headed. I’m 19 years old, I have time. I have time to make mistakes, make new friends, meet new lovers, and explore myself and the world around me.
Just Keep Swimming 4/06/24
Not sure where to exactly start on whats been going on in my life. Some of it is the same old drama, and things that I will continuously work on. But whats really been on my mind is my future. To think I have one more year left of college before I get thrown out into the world. Apart of me was excited for the new adventure. Excited to be free of school, and to do whatever I wanted. I can finally travel like I always wanted too. I can decorate my new apartment when I get one. I could spend more time writing, connecting with myself. Maybe I’ll get Munchie a dog friend! But on the flip side, as there usually is another side to things I was freaking out. How does one even adult? What do I do with my life? I can go anywhere in the world and apart of me wants to live under that safety net. In attempts to not be hard on myself, I reminded myself that everyone wants to feel safe, comfortable and be in familiarity. My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between feeling giddy to feeling scared. So if anyone is feeling this way, doesn’t mean it has to be either or. You can be excited and nervous at the same time. But once you get there, try it out, and get comfortable in the newness, that newness becomes your new normal. And I want to live a life doing it anyways even if it scares me. Thinking what if it turns out awesome instead of what if it goes wrong. The truth is if you fail, or it goes wrong you try again- thats apart of life. And failing doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a human who’s continuing to strive no matter what! We’re all learning, so take a deep breath, you’ll make it I promise.
Not Everything Is As It Seems 6/09/24
I’m on my way home and as usual, I have an epiphany coming back from a vacation. I saw the people around me differently on this trip. Normally I see them for how I think they see me- troubled, abandoned, and an outcast. I always expressed how I would feel unwanted by my family. But in this new era where I’m learning to love myself, I realized that my parents don’t see me in the ways I view myself. Some of these feelings are a part of the unfortunate reality of being a child of divorce. Feeling stuck in the middle and unsure of your place are all understandable feelings. But I guess I always assumed that I was unwanted bc I wasn’t completely a part of them. I was only half of them and half of the other family. Actions that weren’t made, and things not said enforced these pre-existing beliefs I had about myself. But when I gave my dad a chance to comfort me he did- something I never thought would happen. He rubbed my back while I tried not to cry, a person who always seemed afraid of vulnerability and hated physical touch. My step mom in a different approach comforted me by reassuring my feelings were valid. She made me laugh and did whatever she could to make me feel comfortable. I was given the space to let down those barriers that I keep up so high, especially in front of my family. And I was pleasantly surprised by the unusual reactions. This interaction contradicts my previous experiences with them- that they give me too much space, implying I have to figure it out on my own and don’t need to attend to me. People are interesting in how they can be one thing one day and the next it’s like what once was is no longer. So I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep protecting my heart because what if how I feel about myself turns out to be true? But I’m enjoying these new relationships where I can feel emotionally safe. More specifically where I feel I can have a relationship with my parents that isn’t just a once a month “how are you?” text message. Maybe healing and loving myself has allowed me to let them love me back. It has allowed me to see that they wanted me all along.
First Last Day 8/21/24
A student walked up to me ordering his smoothie at the place I work for, and it came up that both of us went to the same high school. He had just graduated telling me about the changes the school had made since I graduated. It was just crazy to admit I’m finally a senior. And while I know things change with time it’s hard to sort of grasp that concept that everyone moving at different paces when you expect things to stay the same. I come back to my parent’s house and they buy a new fridge or something crazy! I almost get upset that things change. And in less than a year I will experience so many changes. Moving out of town, traveling the world, having a big girl job, and getting to worry about even more adult things. This feels overwhelming because how does one even do all of that? But that’s a part of this new journey I’m on. And even though I can acknowledge how much I’ve grown over the years I’m still the same. I’m still that girl who was nervous to move in freshman year. The same girl who stayed true to herself in high school. The same girl who had silly crushes in middle school. The same girl who loved to dress up however she wanted in elementary school. And the same little girl who fed the ducks loved dinosaurs and had a big loving family. So change is scary sometimes, but we’re still that little kid who never grew up.
What Have I Learned 11/09/24
- I want to be respected, get to know me before you know me physically
- Walk me to my car, to my room without expecting something in return
- Listen to me for all my silly stories, & my hard times
- Enjoy your own life, with your own friends & family, your own hobbies
- Love me for all that I am but challenge me for all that I can be
- A partnership includes the coming together of two worlds where we can lean on each other without overpowering the other persons way of being
- A breakup can be a beautiful thing for new opportunities of growth
- A sad decision doesn’t mean its the wrong one
- Sometimes trying so hard to make something work doesn’t always mean it’ll get better
- Giving up when it’s the right decision for you is actually letting go
- Show yourself more compassion, for being brave enough to do the hard thing
- Coming out of a relationship can be emotionally draining so give yourself time to process & of course rest whenever you need it
- Finally it’s your life & you get to choose how to live it
