This past week has been a tough one for me. I invited someone back into my life who I had already walked away from. I had no intention of being with this person long-term but still, I gave it my all. I let them in with open arms, without realizing how it was hurting me. I drove to see them thinking it would just be fun, nothing serious. I had planned on staying there for a while but was not able to as my body was rejecting the situation. I drove home early, crying almost the whole way unsure of why. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, I will talk about how messy my healing journey has been and what I have learned from the faults.
On the drive home, I was talking to myself negatively. I was frustrated that the trip did not go the way I had wanted. I was annoyed with myself for “overreacting”. I was sad that I felt I had to leave. I was overwhelmed with emotion, and I was unable to answer why I was. I was being hard on myself for not knowing the answers, acting in a way I thought at the time was irrational, and not allowing myself to have fun. I know now that my reaction- my feelings and thoughts were not dramatic. That it was a good thing I listened to my body even if the decision to do so made me sad. I am to give myself grace for making a mistake. I can see how my heart may have needed to learn the lesson again, one that I thought I already knew. I can accept that I don’t always get it right the first time, and that’s the beauty of our faults. As I always say we are imperfect, so our healing journeys will also be imperfect. Just because we learned how someone or something is not right for us, we may have to be reminded why we are better off without that person or thing in our lives.
So what did I learn?
I learned that with sadness comes experience. That our pain gives us something to learn, we are able to recognize it and can try to do better. Even though these feelings suck- crying and being hurt is definitely a harder emotion to deal with- it’s necessary. I like viewing it as a yin and yang, like a sunset and sunrise. You can’t have one without the other. Life can suck, people come and go, things don’t always go our way, and some days it’s too hard to get out of bed. All of which is not presented online, another thing I had to remind myself. We all have hard days even if it seems people enjoy their lives so much with traveling, being in love, and so on. But the sun always sets at the end of the day and the pain doesn’t feel as strong over time. We learn to live with it as a part of the good and bad days 🙂
I learned that sometimes I seek people in an unhealthy manner. I found that part of the reason why my emotions were so overwhelming was not entirely because of the present situation. I noticed that there was pain from before, where I had felt rejected, unwelcomed, and unwanted. As we all want to feel good about ourselves I did too. This someone was someone who made me feel good about myself, or so I thought. In actuality they were fulfilling a void, one that was sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy- a never-ending cycle. I realized that this was a sensitive emotional topic for me. I started to acknowledge other times when I have felt these unwanted feelings and reached out to people to satisfy that sensitive spot for me. I wanted people specifically romantic partners to help me feel special and desired. They gave me this attention and I instantly clung to them. I used to grow annoyed at this behavior, but now that I have recognized this pattern I can direct it. I learned that this probably comes from neglected attention as a child, my parents being busy all the time I got used to putting up with the bare minimum meaning my needs weren’t always met. I enjoyed the attention I was getting from others, and regardless of how the person was ultimately treating me I stayed. I allowed them to reinforce negative feelings I was already perceiving about myself. I used to talk to myself as being a girl who had trouble with boys because she had trouble at home which is unfair. Now I see a little girl who is asking to be heard, valued, loved, and cared for. This pattern clearly does not work for me and puts a lot of stress on me when instead I should be with someone who treats me better. I have come to understand that I don’t need someone to fulfill a void nor did I ever need it. I have been working towards spending more time alone, learning how I can better provide for myself, and to be honest it’s been quite peaceful. I no longer have an interest in seeking people because I now know I can be perfectly okay with myself.
This of course was not easy to admit, our faults can be painfully eye-opening. And not every day do I find being on my own easy, I have moments where I miss intimacy with others. I have moments where I grieve heartbreak, but this is where I remind myself that things will get better. I validate that this can suck at times, but it will not always suck. And I watch the sun set and rise again the next day:)
