I drove up to one of my favorite coffee shops, to give time for myself to do whatever I wanted to do. As I pulled into the parking lot someone scratched my car because they didn’t realize I was there. Before I left my house I felt guilty that I was choosing myself over family. I barely got any sleep as I tend to procrastinate. I walked into the bathroom of the coffee shop and started to cry. Once again my emotions have become too overwhelming. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, I will go on a rant about this current moment.
Last night I was dancing, singing, and feeling free of anyone else’s drama. It felt good to be on my own, to be providing solely for myself without worrying about others. But today as I sit here writing this blog post it doesn’t feel good to focus on myself. As someone who used to people please, who would put others first even if it meant neglecting my needs, I’m annoyed. I don’t want to feel guilty or ashamed of putting myself before other people. I want to do whatever makes me feel comfortable and put my dreams above anything because I’m the one who will make that happen for myself.
Ugh, and I’m annoyed because I miss someone who used to be in my life. Someone who I don’t want to miss because their actions or lack thereof were hurtful. And supposedly I have been avoiding dealing with this as well.
Okay, now that I have typed that all out I can say that my feelings are valid. I have a right to be upset about the way someone treats me. I also have a right to choose not to be around these people. I have a right to want peace, to feel comfortable in my own space and to live freely as I please. I wish I had some excellent advice for how to avoid when life just seems to drag you down. I could tell you to appreciate the little things, to take more delicate care of yourself, and to give yourself space. It is some good advice, but I would probably explode if someone said that to me right now. Some days are just like this for me. Where it feels like every box of emotions, trauma, and everything is open. It’s like you’re spiraling.
Let’s maybe take a deep breath… Breathe in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth. Breathe in and out for a moment.
The healing journey is messy. Standing up for yourself and adjusting boundaries can be hard, especially if people are trying to make you feel bad about it. Trust me I know it’s hard, but I think I would tell myself to ignore those people. If it is a safe place you could tell the person how what was said or done made you feel. If this is someone who you know they probably wouldn’t hear it for what it is, sometimes it’s best to save your energy for someone who will listen. I still have a hard time with this, I want to express myself knowing that it probably would not do any good. We just have to remember that we don’t have any control over people, but we can make decisions that serve us best. We can’t change how someone will ultimately act or feel about something. No matter how hard we try we can’t wish someone back into our lives or wish for a different outcome. It sucks, I know.
The good news is that it will not always suck; this moment will pass. And good for you for doing those hard things even if nobody noticed. You should feel proud of yourself for trying, for not giving up. On days like this you don’t have to be strong either, lean on those who value you. Cry if you need to, cancel those plans if you need your space. I hope this shows how messy my days can be, and shows you the other side of healing- the real and vulnerable side. Of course, as I said not every day is like this, I’m sure later tonight I will feel grateful for how I’m leading my life. But right now I feel out of wack and that’s okay too 🙂
