For the last few days, I have been alone in a house. The house is quiet, except when I mistake a sound for someone else being there. I have been getting up for my day making breakfast, then either going to work for the day or taking myself to a coffee shop to write. I spend time with my friends, eat my homemade food, do my household chores, and create something and sometimes nothing- just hanging out. I have been doing my own thing, for me and me only. I have been turning down what doesn’t satisfy me anymore, doing things out of want not obligation. I have been attempting to create peace for myself, ways to romanticize my life- the little things. As seemingly nice as it is to have the house to myself, and to enter this new era it’s also been a bit uncomfortable. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be all about this new journey of peace.
I was so used to one way of being, that this new way feels different. But I would like to think I’m used to being independent in a sense. I mean I did my own laundry in elementary school. Some people didn’t even know how to run a washing machine freshman year of college. Taking care of the things around the house, and myself has never been different for me. But with that, I also tend to take care of the people around me, which is not bad unless it’s with someone who does not do the same for me. So my biggest thing lately has been really paying attention to my relationships with people.
Who values me?
Respects me?
How do they make me feel about myself?
The people who make me feel comfortable, welcomed, and loved are those I want to spend more of my time with. And that should have been a given for the longest. This is where obligation comes in because even though the person made me feel bad, didn’t respect me, or valued me I still felt obligated to engage with them. I started with evaluating my potential friends and partners which seemed easier to walk away from- for me to say you know what, “I deserve better, I deserve more”. My family though is a little harder. In previous blogs, I mentioned how I was raised to praise family, and that I was to spend every holiday with them and not with friends. This is fine, I mean I enjoy spending time with family. But being a kid from divorced parents, I split my time a lot between the two sides of the family. Spending a holiday with Mom’s side means I could be missing out on Dad’s side, this has been the story of my life. I’m at an age now where I can make those decisions strictly for myself but I still get crap for it. As much as I would love to go on a rant and spill all the tea, the details of this are personal. But I can say that this makes it harder for me to stand up for what I want when I am fixated on someone else’s emotions toward the situation. I think to myself maybe I should just do whatever they want me to do. I feel the need to keep the peace, to not cause any drama or stress and I most definitely cared more for others than myself.
Of course, I realized this is not peace but rather a survival and defensive mechanism I have created to make life “easier” for me. I was actually making life easier for others, I was allowing people to step on me. So learning how to create peace for me, just for me has been different. To solely focus on how I feel about something and to make those decisions for the betterment of myself has been different. As uneasy as I may feel at times, I notice how much lighter I feel. And I worry sometimes I may be selfish because it sort of sounds that way. This is your life though, you can choose to live it however you want regardless of how someone else views it. And the people who truly care about you will not make you feel bad about yourself for making a choice that you think is best for you.
The other night, I brought out my journal and instead of writing about my struggles, I wrote about what I have been loving lately. In this big heart I drew on the page I began to list things off. Some are as basic as listening to music in the car with the windows rolled down. And another is celebrating small achievements just for myself. I decided to stay alone in a house for a week, instead of doing the thing I felt obligated to do. That’s a small accomplishment of mine to remind me that I can create my own peace. That it is okay to be selfish for ourselves. And after all of that, you can get yourself a treat, because you deserve good things! And good things will continue to come when we put our energy back into ourselves 🙂
