I know it has been a while since I have sat down and wrote a post. To be honest, I have not had anything come to mind to complain about and analyze. I don’t feel as alone or anxious about life for the first time in a long time. I do have my moments of course as we all do. But I genuinely have been feeling at peace. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be about my challenge of learning to enjoy these new experiences.
I am someone who has been convinced that whenever something good comes my way, something bad is around the corner. I’m going to be smacked in the face by this heartbreaking thing and I don’t know when it’s coming. To protect myself I don’t fully allow myself to enjoy the simplest pleasures, I keep some walls up. I have to be in control and maintaining a barrier keeps me from falling too hard. But I’m trying to release this core belief, I can trust people. I can attempt to say that some people maybe didn’t deserve to receive the love and attention I gave to them. I can attempt to acknowledge that sometimes things don’t always go our way and it can be painful. I can choose to believe instead that life can suck, and throw curve balls at us but it teaches us a lesson if we listen to it.
All these protective mechanisms really are though, fear. Being scared that you will get hurt again, betrayed again, taken advantage of again, and left behind again. A favorite actor of mine did a graduation speech years ago talking about the path of fear. Jim Carrey told a story of how fear would have held him back and he wouldn’t have been the successful actor he became. The other path is scary but necessary for growth. I’m sure we have all heard a similar story of how the person has a sort of an epiphany and they realize how they can reach for the stars. As silly as it sounds, I think I’m having that too- maybe not as dramatic. I see now, that I don’t have to conform to what I fear, I can actually take a risk and it could go very well for me. I can make a decision without letting anyone question a choice that I felt was best for me. The very idea that this is my life and I want to try to live not in fear of how things could go to sh*t.
I found myself liking someone who I think is good for me. I am building friendships with people who I can depend on. I am keeping a distance between what’s expected of me and what I wish for myself. Having my own voice, and voicing it to people who listen gently. I don’t have to fight to be wanted or prove that I’m worth their time. They either choose to make an effort or don’t. And I’m okay with that, I have decided that I will not give any attention to those who wouldn’t do the same for me that I would for them. I have grown to respect myself- to love myself and whatever doesn’t make me feel that love for myself doesn’t have to take up space in my life.
It has been nice so far to build this life for me, to invite loving people to the table, and leave negative energy at the door. I still have some growing to do, but it’s always a good thing to look at how far you have come. As Jim Carrey says in his speech, “Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you” reminding us that we are in power of what our life looks like. So take the risk, do those things you have always wanted to do, choose to love and don’t hold back.
Jim Carrey Graduation Speech Video:
