I finished watching a silly reality dating show, Love Island. The contestants walked on hoping to find their “soulmate”, “one true love”, and the “perfect someone”. They would couple up with a partner they would define as their “type to a T”. But what does that even mean? Can someone be a perfect match for you? How do you know that they are that perfect someone? Is it a certain feeling? So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be about attempting to answer those questions. And also why searching for a special someone is bullsh*t.
Whether we deliberately choose to or not, we’re almost constantly on the lookout for potential partners. My human sexuality professor would say that through evolutionary theory we have biological instincts to certain smells, looks, and demeanors that we want in partners. He would say this is why women find buff guys more attractive because if we were trying to survive they would protect us from big scary bears. And he would say this theory explains why men typically like younger women because they’re more likely to be “fertile”. Companies profit off of these ideologies, men stay in the gym to stay buff and women may wear makeup to appear younger. So are our matches biologically wired? Psychology would say our partners are based on culture, situational factors, and a lot of delusion. We come up with sayings to explain love which are not entirely accurate. For example, “opposites attract” is not true based on in-group biases, and how humans naturally organize themselves with people alike themselves. Science would tell us that love isn’t a feeling it’s a combination of brain chemicals. Initial attraction is basically just dopamine, a neurotransmitter that motivates us to receive more pleasure. So is it really that we fall madly in love, or is it just our normal brain responses and human behavior?
This goes back to the question, is a soulmate really a thing? Can someone be your perfect match? I would say no and not entirely because of science. But based on my own experiences when I felt that someone was the one I would be with forever they ended up not. I’ve learned that the best people are the ones least expected to come into your life. It comes naturally, maybe starting as friends but then over time, it becomes more. The thing with dopamine levels is eventually they go down and you have to find a way to spike them again. People can grow bored of their partners in search of that same exciting feeling when they first meet. But that exact feeling of what we associate with love doesn’t come back as hard as it did. This is why I think the contestants on Love Island always break up when the show ends- that or they want the prize money! I think this happened with me too which makes sense for young love. But it’s okay, eventually, I learned that “types” are stupid and that I don’t need to find a buff guy to save me. Not that I was only dating buff guys (no offense to the exes) but I’m just saying I stepped out of my comfort zone. I allowed for someone different. Instead of looking for someone who fit this unrealistic perfect type, I created a soulmate. I chose someone who will bring me new flowers when my old bouquet dies. He loves me gently, treats me with respect, and continuously puts in effort. We choose to love each other. It wasn’t found, it was made.
