Last night when I decided to journal, I wrote a pretend letter to my mom. I have recently been realizing how our parents influence how we treat ourselves and our partners. Within this letter, I wrote how her actions were hurtful, ways she could’ve done better, and caught up to my delusions. My mom was not a terrible mother really but she was not entirely great either. I think we all have our faults, doesn’t mean they didn’t have an impact on me. I tend to think about my dad whenever I refer to relationships but my mom has also modeled unhealthy relationships. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be about my continued effort to be aware of how past relationships harmed me. But mostly about learning what love should be instead of what I learned it to be through my mom.
Growing up I had my mom mostly to myself. My parents were divorced, and there was not another man in the picture for a while so I learned how my mom was. I learned what she liked, and what she hated. One of my favorite memories was waiting for her to come home from work so we could have our daily tea break at the kitchen table. She was kind, loving, caring, dedicated, and passionate. But when my stepdad started to come around, she gave up her passions and desire to attend to him. Her favorites were ignored so mine became neglected too. It was all or nothing for this guy. And she tried so hard to squeeze herself into ways he would like. His passions were all of a sudden her passions too. I learned that my needs, desires, and what I wanted were not necessary if I wanted to make a relationship work. I became used to being independent. If I was upset I would figure it out on my own. I would clean up my room because my mom wasn’t around anymore. I would deal with my emotions, and responsibilities alone because I had to. This of course carried into all my relationships. I would walk on eggshells trying to not upset them with differences. Differences would mean the relationship would eventually end as my mom demonstrated.
So now that I’m in a new kind of relationship everything is foreign to me. I’m learning that problems are not the end, and together we can figure out the problem. I’m learning that spending lots of time with someone can lead to disagreements now and then. Instead of shutting down and leaving my partner in the dark, I can let down my protective wall. Instead of transforming myself to accommodate their needs, I can openly express what mine are. A good partner would ask what your needs are- what makes you feel loved. A good partner would work with you through any issues while trying to understand your reactions and emotions. A good partner would attempt to try to learn throughout the relationship. We all have to recognize that we come from different experiences, and backgrounds that influence our behaviors and emotional processes today. So be forgiving of your partner if they are still learning how their past influences them today. And as a partner who is doing that, allow yourself to trust because they are not your past. And you are not defined by your past.
