The other day someone asked me, how do we form connections with people?* Is what draws us to them spiritual or biological? I thought this was an interesting topic! So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be about trying to answer these questions.
When I first thought of answers to this question I immediately was like I can bring my psychology knowledge into this. Depending on what theories of psychology you look into would get you different explanations. Biological theories would say connections are based on survival, as in our attachments to people are a means to get resources (food, water, shelter, etc) and protection. Attraction in this theory is less of an emotional experience but rather which person has the best resources. If you think of those male birds in the wild who dance to try to attract the female birds, it’s like that in a way. The female bird will judge who’s the best dancer based on overall appearance, skills, and styles to determine who is the best mate for her babies. A lot of this also has to do with geographical region. The birds for example are limited to the birds of the same species in that location. Similarly, humans typically become attracted to what’s available to us but also to those who look like us. We are attracted to people who have a similar appearance as us because it’s comforting and familiar. If our dating pools are limited, this becomes even more true since we usually associate ourselves with those who have similar backgrounds and values.
However, this varies for those who live in diverse environments or on a dating app that shows you people living miles away from you. This is a part of nurture, how our environments and situations influence us. How are parents raise us, our friends, and the schools we attend are examples of situational influences that shape which partners we find attractive. I have always believed attraction is heavily based on what children view their parent’s relationship to be, what they have been told, and how all of this makes them feel. I feel I can almost directly connect my attraction to partners based on past experiences with my parents. For example, I noticed a pattern of being attracted to emotionally immature boys, which ended up being a response to how my dad was also emotionally immature. It’s a little weird, but if you start to analyze your past relationships, you may notice that what you grew up with is what you unconsciously search for. So if you grew up in an unhealthy environment, you may be searching for the wrong things. And if you’ve noticed that you have been unsuccessful in finding love maybe think about what it is you want in a partner.
Attractions and how we connect with people can be complicated to understand because there are so many contributing factors. How we’re drawn to people depends on both biology and evolution and our environments and experiences. It can seem spiritual in a sense, love and attraction can make us feel giddy inside. And we don’t always know why we’re attracted to certain types of people, they may even be the wrong people for us to be with. With partners I had before my current relationship I have noticed that how I feel is different. I think that as you learn what you need and want in a partner, you come to realize the giddy feeling inside might be a little unrealistic and that you need more to maintain a connection. As science would continue to say love is not a feeling, it’s a combination of dopamine and serotonin. If I were to advise about how to be successful in love with someone who is still learning, I would say to date different kinds of people and step out of your comfort zone! You never know who your next connection may be with, and maybe you find they are attractive in ways you never thought about.
*If you have questions or topics you would like me to answer, ask away on my Instagram 🙂
