This is something I wrote a while ago. I chose not to edit it (except for misspellings, oops) so I could show you my vulnerability and how the breakup process truly has been without sugarcoating the details. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, here’s my letter to said person:
Dear you,
I have been avoiding journaling about you. I have been feeling so guilty that I have been talking to other men. Being attracted to someone who isn’t you. Liking someone who isn’t you. I’ve been learning about other guys and their lives, and I just remember when I learned about you when I fell in love with you. Seeing your beautiful smile whenever you saw me and hearing you laugh at my silly humor. I remember holding hands for the first time and when we first kissed. I remember all the good times and all the bad times. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I was happy for a while. I loved being able to meet your family even when it was complicated because it meant I could be there for you in ways people may not have been before. I loved how when I asked for something, you would do it every time. I loved it when you brought me flowers just because. And when you wrote me notes, you bought me food even if you could’ve used that money for something else. And the biggest reason I loved you was because you never gave up on me, even when I gave up on you. I don’t know when I’ll stop beating myself up for making this decision because I think if you knew I was crying about how guilty I feel, you wouldn’t want me to cry- you would find a way to comfort me. Even if you don’t like me right now, I know deep down you would want me to give myself grace. I want to give myself grace for making such a decision and that this decision doesn’t make me a monster. I want to view this not as a failed attempt at love but as a beautiful learning experience. Where I learned about unconditional love, learned about my faults, learned about what my standards are, and learned how to love myself better. I want this new chapter to not be about men or dating necessarily but rather having things on my terms. About learning more about myself. About trying new things that I haven’t done before. To give myself the grace and compassion I’ve always given to others. I still love you and care about you, and I hope that you can grow from this relationship as well. I hope that you explore yourself, see your faults, see your strengths, and begin new journeys. I know we both thought these journeys would be together, but you’ll always be a part of my heart, so you’ll always be with me on this larger adventure of life.
Signed off with love, goodnight
Me
