Dear Brynna,
I have done some thinking lately. I have been messy and unorganized, something that is uncomfortable for me. I have been feeling unlike myself, a strange feeling of constantly being pushed down by the waves of life. Let’s just say there’s some tea to spill! So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, I will talk about what I have been exploring about myself.
As I’m sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops, I’m trying to recall when the first wave hit. You know when you’re in the ocean and the water is calm but then a huge wave comes crashing down, and then another and another. You try to swim to where you once were but the waves just keep coming pushing you closer to shore. It can feel as though you have been defeated by the strong, overpowering waves of life. Unlike the waves in the ocean, you never know when they will hit, and you can’t prepare yourself before the crash. This can feel very unsettling, and you may feel unsure of how to respond. I certainly didn’t know what to do. And I felt a little lost and the little things were overwhelming. I struggled to sleep, my eating habits were wack, my anxiety was heightened, and it felt like a drag to do school work. I was waiting for the break in the waves when the water is calm and you can’t tell whether you’re looking at the sky or the sea from afar.
A few weeks ago when I was reading my book on the beach, I noticed how the sun shone through the clouds. I noticed the rough but yet glimmering water. I was staring out into the ocean, wondering how far the water goes. It was like something came over me, I felt okay for once in a long time. Maybe the term for it would be an epiphany or an awakening. It’s like all of a sudden everything seems clear, that the rough patch is in the past and you feel reborn in a way. It still feels uncomfortable because you notice you have grown but it feels nice at the same time. And it’s true, I have changed. The things I wanted to do I now feel able to do, it’s no longer impossible. I romanticize my life, instead of it being a chore. Taking thirty minutes to finish my skincare routine because I want too not because I have too. I couldn’t really explain how I got from point A to point B. I wasn’t even deliberately trying to get better or too feel better. I allowed myself to feel down, to feel like I lost. I grieved the people that were once in my life, those who are also struggling and the once seemingly vibrate Brynna. I allowed myself to be pushed by the waves. I did not go against the current, partially because I did not have the energy to try. I also knew that I needed to feel the emotions I shoved down, to think the thoughts that were once scary and to just admit to myself that it’s okay to allow this process. To acknowledge that sometimes life sucks, people come and go, leaving bits and pieces.
I have been working on myself ever since I decided to go to the counseling center at my college. I am certainly not the same girl when I walked through that door. However, what’s different from the girl who walked through the door on the first day versus the woman writing a blog post today is she is no longer putting up with less. I now have the confidence and love for myself to do what is right for me even if it feels hard. I will not stand down or give up my standards because they are behind. And suddenly I’m grateful for crashing down by the waves. To be corny, what doesn’t kill you only strengthens you! I know my value and my worth. I will continue to love myself and give myself better than what has been given. Until someone can replicate it, I will remain on my own and I’m okay with that.
You will get through this, you always do 🙂
