*warning that this blog post may trigger those who have or have had been diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety.
Throughout my 18 years of life, I have periodically struggled with anxiety and depression. Anxiety seems to be more present than depression these past few years. I have noticed how the different disorders symptoms affect me. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about my experience so far with anxiety and depression.
Depression
The times I have been diagnosed with depression, I was too young to understand what that meant or what that looked like. However as I grew up, I was told that depression was described as someone who lays in bed because they’re too tired to want to do anything. Individuals will display negative thinking towards themselves and others- maybe even becoming homicidal or suicidal. Now before I go any further, I am not a certified therapist and I can’t speak towards others experiences, this is solely based on my own understandings and dealings with depression. I myself have not experienced that and have always felt that depression was not very well elaborated. Because for me depression looked differently than what I was told. Depression for me was wearing a mask everytime I interacted with others and then once that mask came off, all of my emotions I had bottled up became expressed. It was crying before school and then wiping my tears before anyone saw I had been crying. It was very emotionally exhausting, and overwhelming with lots of what I call “hard emotions”- pain, hurt, loneliness, and sadness. I never wanted anyone to know how I was feeling, or see me in that way so I built a wall.
I would say I am no longer dealing with depression at that intensive state. But the wall is still there. For a long time I felt I needed to stop being so sensitive, that I was too emotional, and I should be more openly communicative with others. That’s not true though, me feeling the need to protect myself emotionally, only meant that I am cautious of who I express myself too. It used to be that I would struggle to open up even with people who I was in some type of relationship with- whether it be a friend, family member or romantic partner. It still is hard feeling safe to let that wall down, but the person in the relationship should be patient and calm when having emotional conversations. I have learned that I am capable of releasing the tension, but the moment someone doesn’t seem to be listening I close back up again. So whether you are someone who deals with depression or has dealt with depression previously, know that your emotions are valued, even if there were people who didn’t value them. And someone who is in a relationship with one who has or struggles with depression, be patient, they will break down their walls once they see that you can be trusted.
Anxiety
I didn’t acknowledge I had anxiety until this past year. I was unaware of how to cope with it and what exactly anxiety was for me. Based on my understanding, anxiety or feeling anxious stems from the “flight or fight system” (nervous system). This system is a normal, survival response that triggers a reaction to a stressful event, in return preparing the body to flee or fight. For me my nervous system seems to be very high alert, and therefore I’m in constant survival mode. It took me awhile to notice what feeling anxious looked like, as it physically shows throughout my body. My biggest physical reaction, is the turning stomach, as if someone was stirring a pot around and around. It made me feel nauseous and unable to eat, which made my stomach feel worse. And during therapy, they pointed out my fidgeting whenever I discussed certain events and/or emotions. I noticed my shoulders getting tense and the sudden urge to just want to run as fast as I could. Anxiety for me, was trying to escape or flee. It was the overwhelming sensation that everything was going downhill at once. And for a period of time I let myself psychologically run away to seek out something that would relieve the sensation.
I had to learn how to feel grounded, how to navigate this urge to flee. Sometimes that meant physical movement and other times it meant expressing my emotions freely- crying, anger, frustration, and pain. Because when I was running and escaping, I did not deal with the emotions or the event that made my body prepare itself to flee. It sounds simple, even though its not, I had to learn to be the person I run too. I still am building a safe home for me.
I had to learn how to calm my nervous system, alot of it through mindfulness. What works best for me is focusing on my breathing, feeling the lungs fill up and let out the air. I also found that music can be helpful, or calm sounds like the ocean waves crashing.
Additional tips I learned in anxiety group therapy:
- Guided mediation (my favorite one is imagining your intrusive thoughts being placed on a leaf and watching it float down the river).
- Yoga or physical movement; helpful for when the urge arises to fight or flight
- Purposefully tensing parts of your body, holding and then releasing the tension.
- Writing down any intrusive thoughts and/or emotions throughout the day; helps with focus and acknowledging it’s presence without letting it invoke into an accumulation of various thoughts and/or emotions, a stirring pot.
There are alot of different coping mechanisms for both depression and anxiety. It is a process to figure out what helps you relieve the nerves or boost your serotonin. For some people taking psychotic drugs with the additional therapy and mindfulness tips works best. For me though, listening to my body and accommodating to those needs works for the most part. Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel that emotion at its intensivity; allow myself to deal with the event before I feel the urge to run. These tools don’t always do the trick though. There are moments where I feel as though nothing is working, and that’s when I might talk to a trusted individual who can reassure me that things will work itself out. Because one can not do life completely on their own. So build your own safe home, decorate it with nice things, and invite people who are deserving a place in your space.
