When I was a little girl, I imagined a prince charming coming to save me from all my troubles. That our love would be magical, that the universe found me a partner that would complete me. I imagined my first kiss with prince charming where the fireworks were lighting up the world behind us. It was enchanting, filled with happiness and joy. As a young girl who enjoyed watching Disney princess movies I was in for a ride when I began to grow up. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about my reality in romanticism.
Just about a week ago, I came across a video on Youtube*(linked below). And I began to realize my understanding of love was a bit ridiculous. I believed I was searching for a certain someone. A someone who would piece me back together to become some sort of greater being. But apparently I, as I’m sure alot of us are just looking in the wrong direction.
Philosopher Alain de Botton refers to this misinterpretation of love is because of romanticism. This concept revolves around our natural instincts of attraction. It’s those feelings of lust, and intimacy where as the philosopher puts it sex being the prominent symbol of this shared “love”. As much as we feel the love may be real, that’s not really the reality of love. Romanticism tells us that the love we feel means these individuals are soulmates who will understand you completely, accept you wholeheartedly and love you entirely. While that is romantic and sweet, again not exactly the reality of love.
I remember hearing jokes amongst my family about how the other partner is to live with, how they annoy them. How they hate when they don’t “clean up after themselves” or when they “always say I don’t clean up after myself but I try”. Both partners in this relationship are imperfect. They may be missing qualities that the other hopes to see, have characteristics the other didn’t know they would love, have struggles with things such as communicating due to past traumas that the other didn’t know about on the first date and so on. The point is if you decide to date a human being, they will be imperfect, complex, and more or less damaged. This person is still learning about themselves, evolving from their inner child and may not even realize their behavior. We must learn to tolerate these aspects of our partners otherwise in the end we will become lonely amongst ourselves trying to find the perfect person.
We search for a potential person, a soulmate who will fall into our lap from the universe. We do this by trusting our instincts. This can be problematic in that we think that in trusting our instincts we are following a guide to happiness. But based on what psychologists know, what we are actually doing is replicating how we were loved as children. Even I have noticed there is a common theme throughout who I typically go for, which all pinpoint exactly to how I was treated by parental figures. For the sake of helping my audience understand I will spill some of the tea (get it *wink wink). I grew up with a particular parental figure who did not always pay attention to me, one who was especially not good at emotionally communicating with me. They would struggle being direct in what they wanted from me mostly by not communicating their emotions. My coping method was to build up my walls, not discuss my emotions (for the other probably didn’t care) and I would do everything in my power to handle myself on my own. This relationship continued when I began to date. Instead of finding an individual who was able to be more emotionally available with me, I followed my instincts that led me to what felt comfortable. Our instincts attract us to individuals who make us suffer the way we suffered in our childhood relationships. You know those people you have meet who you thought “wow this person is accomplished and great but I don’t know something is missing”. What we actually mean is this person may be too normal for us, for they will most likely not make us suffer or treat us in the ways that feel familiar. It’s these people, those you don’t expect who may be more right for us.
Let’s imagine your partner did something that upset you, so you begin to stomp around the house. Your partner noticing the loud noise and shift in your behavior asks “what is wrong?”. You say “oh nothing!” with an angry tone of voice. They plead with you asking again in which you respond with the same “NOTHING” only this time you go upstairs and slam the door. A scenario given by the philosopher, Alain de Botton, in describing the term “sulking”. We assume that once we have found the right partner, they will be able to understand us completely- that they can read our souls. So when the partner does not know what’s going on, we sulk, we yell, we think they should already know why I’m upset. Unfortunately as nice as that would be, our partners- nobody- can read our minds. We have to learn to be a good teacher and a good listener. Instead of continuing to sulk, go downstairs and say in a calm voice “I’m sorry, I should have handled that better. I’m upset that you didn’t take care of the house while I was at work. I’m exhausted and hoped to come home to a clean house.” In return the partner should listen to your frustration and exhaustion. They should respond with action, by beginning to clean up whilst being more in tune to the others wishes. And next time when your partner leaves to work a long shift, you clean the house, cook the dinner and so on. I understand that this is work- alot of work. And you will probably be asked to do things you would rather not do, or maybe your not in the mood. This is the reality of what love is. It is the action of choosing to demonstrate your accommodation, your tolerance and care for the other partner. It is a skill we must acquire by teaching others how we want to be treated and listening to how others what to be.
What can you do?
You can’t change your type, or who you typically go for but you change your response towards it. In my situation instead of shutting down, yelling in attempts to feel heard, I can be respond by being calm and vulnerable. It also helps to explore where this type comes from through journaling. Ask yourself questions like:
What types of people excite me?
What types of people put me off?
How do these qualities relate back to previous relationships?
How much of these impulses/instincts are aligned with things that make me happy?
Say the tricky thing and say that you need them, you want them, and/or that you want to know whether they still care. Instead of bouncing around the more direct response. You can continue to learn more about how you are. You can become more self aware of your behavior, how you are to live with, more in tune of your weaknesses and strengths. Listen to those you care about when they call you out, for they are not attacking you they are just trying to help.
There can be a sense of fairytale magic to love and I’m not dismissing that. But if you’re looking for a long term partner, the first step is knowing that this individual is not a princess or a prince. They are a human being in search for someone to choose to love them, support them in their psychological growth, and be kind to their inner child. To me this is more romantic than riding a magical flying carpet.
Link to video:
*How Romanticism Has Destroyed Love | Alain de Botton | Google Zeitgeist
