I would run around feeding little ducks with my grandma. Drink tea with my mom, she would usually have to add ice cubes to cool it down but it was pretty much iced tea at that point. Maybe that’s where my craze for iced coffee started? I would play board games- my favorite most likely Chutes n Ladders and do puzzles with my dad. I would play dress up with all my funky patterned shirts, and pants. I would always bring an overfilled purse with random stuffed animals and stickers. I may not feed little ducks all the time anymore but I am still that little girl who enjoyed throwing the bread for them. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is about exploring my inner child and learning how to be there for her.
I have mentioned “inner child” before, but what even is an inner child? I would say an inner child is the little version of you you remember in your childhood. Your inner child is the person who uses the experiences, understandings, observations to navigate the adult world. In a way your younger self has shaped your older self. Inner children are where we are most vulnerable and most truly ourselves. This is where the healing is. It’s who we talk to when trying to understand who we are right now and why we are this way. They are also the little voices who decide to eat dino nuggets for dinner instead.
These younger versions are always there. Your friends, partners, people you find annoying most likely relate to an individual from your childhood. Your patterns reflect your childhood. How you feel about yourself, view yourself and whether you feel worthy of love- your childhood. Understanding who this person is, and why we behave this way are important in wanting to become more self aware. It can put us more in control of ourselves, our emotions in that we now know why we feel this way. Knowing this can help us realize that our parental figures are also humans who make mistakes. It can break that cycle of unhappiness and hopefully make you feel at peace with yourself.
The other night I could not fall asleep. I decided I was going to journal, get whatever was in my mind out on paper. I started with “Dear Brynna” and instantly began to cry. I was triggered with a memory from my past and acknowledged my younger self was very upset with a situation I had ignored. I correlated my present feeling of being afraid of getting involved with my current partner to a relationship from the past. I wanted to scream and cry, tell my partner I didn’t want to see them anymore. I was behaving as I would in the past as I felt I was in the past. This gave an opportunity for me to say, “yep okay that sucked”, but that I did not need to respond out of fear in the ways I taught myself to do so before. As an adult you now have the luxury and the freedom to choose how you handle present situations. Your younger self did not, mostly because they did not know what to do with their feelings. They didn’t know what feelings meant, or what they really looked like. You have more resources, experiences and such to decide what’s better for you.
Most people are scared to dive into their past, would rather close the door and never look behind them. But as I said, the inner self is still there, your past is going to follow you around. I am not saying it defines you, but it definitely influenced who you are today. It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge that what someone did was not cool, to tell yourself that this person didn’t treat you the way you wished they did. This work of figuring out who you are is not supposed to easy and usually is not pleasant at first. However throughout this journey, I have realized how much more equipped I am to understanding myself. Writing of how the past event hurt me I was able to connect the dots to the years I had ignored the feelings, and allowed for the same behavior to continue.
At the end of this journal I wrote, “Brynna I know he feels like that house. That warmth and love. He rubs your back like they would. Doesn’t mean he is them, that the sitaution will play out the same… You don’t need to feel alarmed, you are safe.” You are now able to give your inner child something that weren’t able to before. You can save yourself from falling down in traps, cycles and continuous suffering. You can build peace and clarity. You can love yourself.
How to be there for our inner child?
- Boundaries, recognizing that previous people and things might not be good for you
- Acknowledging ways we are harming and sabotaging ourselves. One instance could be not allowing yourself to be open to love because of trusting the wrong individual from the past
- How we talk to & treat others. The way we judge others may not be our voices but instead voices of others in our past telling us how we were supposed to be. Realize that you have your own voice and that you don’t have to care about how others view you
- Giving ourself time to process new information. Some things are going to take longer to sort through, have more layers. It is okay to take more time to figure out how we feel about this information and how to use it
- Holding ourself accountable. When we act as we once did, not to punish ourselves but take responsibility for it. We respond by apologizing and communicating what took us to that place again
- Realizing that it’s us who helps us, not some magical prince. We can not expect some “right person” to piece us back together, because the reality is we are the only ones who can do so
- Exploring ourselves through journaling and/or therapy. You can start easy by writing down your favorite things to do, as there are many journal prompts to choose from. For me personally I rarely use a prompt and just write whatever is on my mind, paying attention to my emotions and body language. Therapy is another a good place to start as it should be another open safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings. The therapist may also be helpful in guiding the conversations as well as suggesting other useful tools.
- Practicing mindfulness, teaching ourselves how to self soothe. Sometimes the emotions can become overwhelming to a point where I struggle to breathe. If I get this way I usually walk outside, and focus on my breathwork (mindfulness technique). Learning what helps us feel calm and collected can bring us back to the present with clearer minds, allowing us to navigate where to go from there.
- Listening to ourselves & adressing our needs. Being aware that this emotional work can feel exhausting at times, and if you need a break then take one.
- Treat yourself to things you love now & loved then as a child. Go on the swings, get that candy that you made your child eyes twinkle, listen to songs that you know every lyric too, eat cereal for dinner because you wanted to when you were younger, travel to all the places you dreamed of going too. We truly are all children at heart
