I see pictures posted on Instagram, of people we follow with their friends, in their carefully chosen fits, most likely in makeup, and with things they enjoy. I intel that these pictures make up part of who the person is based on who they’re with, what they’re doing, and so on. For the most part, I am seeing the version the person wants me to see, the “better” version. So for today’s cup of tea or coffee, as I now prefer, is all about who I am behind the picture.
Whenever I think there’s a possibility of pictures taken before I go out, I make sure my appearance looks good. I make sure my outfit will coordinate with the place I’m going. When the picture is taken, I want “the good side” of my face shown- left side. I want my followers to see what I want them to see. The moment I get home, I take off my makeup, put my hair up, change into comfy clothes and watch my show in bed but a few people see that. I am so used to seeing my “following” in their best, looking their best and feeling their best. I forget sometimes that the picture doesn’t equivalent to the person being at their best.
In the photo above even though I was feeling good about the way I look, I wasn’t feeling good about myself. Don’t get me wrong, this trip to Guatemala with my best friend was very fun. It was just at a time where I was in a transition, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was unsure of where things were going and why things were going the way they were. I was figuring out parts of myself I didn’t realize were there and as the more discoveries I made the more I began to feel uneasy. From that Instagram post to the days forward I am still learning about who I am behind the picture.
So who am I?
Let’s start with the nicer qualities to describe. Some say I am beautiful, as I think I’m pretty. I am forgiving. I am friendly and kind. I am adventurous- spontaneous. I am smart. I am silly and fun. I am accommodating, caring and do my best to listen. But I am also someone who possesses an attitude through tone of voice and facial expressions. I move quickly in my relationships. I am an overthinker. I am not always a rule follower.
We always perceive, take what we hear or know about how others view us into account as to what makes us who we are. We listen to how others see us, whether it be “good or bad” qualities and use that information to reinforce how we see ourselves. We interpret ourselves as the person scrolling through the feed, not the person in the photo. We can be told that the way we talk, the way we dress, behave, and express ourselves is bad. Someone can say, “you are moving too quickly to intimacy in your relationships” and I will think “oh, maybe they’re right?” Just as we may judge someone else, we are harsher criticizers on ourselves.
When I was thinking of nice qualities to write about myself, it was difficult to even come up with those. As it is much easier for me to see the fault, to write whatever I have been taught to think was not a nice quality. However the quality that can be deemed as nice can also be a negative. I wrote I am accommodating as a good characteristic but sometimes I can be so giving, accommodating to others that I forget to accommodate and give to myself. So is that quality really good? Or is it just nice for the person receiving the benefits of the quality? The bad quality, I am not always a rule follower, can mean that I am passionate about sticking up to injustice and being loud on what I think is wrong.
All the qualities, seen good or bad are what make up who you are. As I have mentioned before in my other posts, you are imperfect. You can not be entirely made up of good qualities and everyone’s qualities look different. For me being accommodating is a negative sometimes because I have been such a people pleaser over the last years that it feels like I’ve been taken advantage of. However I will do so for those I genuinely care for, knowing that they will accommodate for me as well. If we don’t like a quality or characteristic we have associated ourselves with, we don’t have to be those people either. Others should understand that you are in charge of what you want for yourself, how you want you to be treated and seen.
The person I am behind my pictures has decided to listen to herself more and be more in charge of herself. I have let others take a lead role in my life, when they shouldn’t have been allowed to decide how I should behave, how I feel and what I should do. The views of others, I can take into account, but I don’t have to decide solely on their perception. Nobody knows me like I do.
Whenever a decision must be made, ask yourself:
What is your gut saying, is it uncomfortable? Perhaps you are not fulfilled with the decision.
Do you feel calm, almost relieved? You probably made a good decision for yourself.
Are you feeling indecisive? You might be considering others thoughts more than yours. Ask yourself what is it that I want, what do I think is best for me?
Are you making a decision that makes you feel sad? Just because it brings you sadness doesn’t mean this wasn’t the right decision for yourself.
Post whatever you want. As long as it makes you comfortable, happy, aesthetically pleases you, then the opinion of someone else shouldn’t stop you from doing what works for you. The views from someone else may make you feel guilty, ashamed for what you like, or even how you are. There’s no need to feel ashamed if whoever you are inside is working out for you. If it doesn’t float your boat, then you need to adjust based on whatever your needs may be at the time. This life, your life, is yours and you get to decide who you want to be.
