When I first started writing for this blog, it was about body positivity and feeling beautiful in your skin. I wrote that for my little sister who has a birthday coming up soon! I’ve been watching my little sister grow up, and in a lot of ways, she reminds me of myself. The only differences really is she’s louder than me with all her singing concerts and enjoys plays way more than I do. I think because I see a lot of myself in her, I’ve been reminiscing on who I was as a little girl. So for today’s tea talk, or coffee as I now prefer, will be about what I learned about my inner little girl, and how I can appreciate her more.
Well for starters, writing about my childhood has always been difficult for me. I try to be mindful especially because I’m still working on building these relationships with my family. I can acknowledge that things were said and done but not meant to be harmful. However, that doesn’t mean that those actions and words were not hurtful because they were. When I reflect on my inner child, I envision a little girl in an empty room sitting by herself. This image comes up in therapy and it has always made me sad thinking of this little girl who just wants someone to comfort her. It’s even harder to admit that the little girl is me. I grew up very independent but with lots of people around me, sort of like alone in a crowded room. I was worried about bothering others so I took it upon myself to get things done. What I really wanted though was for someone to treat me like a kid. Even now, my parents will show pride in the fact that I was someone they never had to worry about- they knew I could “handle it”. I can handle it but having to be so strong all the time and having everyone else think that I was okay was exhausting.
I know having just written that, reading it was probably depressing. But I tend to think of it as a yin and yang, unfortunately not everything is all butterflies and rainbows. That doesn’t mean that I never had any fun or happiness in childhood because I did. I have many memories of playing with my friends, gardening with my grandma, acting silly, and just being a typical kid. Things were good when they were good, but when they weren’t it was harder to get that emotional support that I needed. I struggled with this, not knowing who to turn to and if I did speak up feeling annoying or in the way. This was definitely frustrating for me as a little girl. And in a lot of ways I can see how this frustration played out as I’ve grown up. I learned to not speak up, to downplay my emotions and just figured that no one wanted to hear of the sad stuff.
In therapy the other day this image came up again. This little girl sitting alone in an empty room. And my therapist asked me,
If you could walk into this room, what would you say to her?
I realized she didn’t need someone to say anything, she wanted someone to just sit down next to her. She wanted someone to be in the sadness with her, to acknowledge her feelings, and be there with her. My therapist then gave me a little exercise where I visualize doing that for this little girl. And even though it may sound silly- it definitely felt silly at first, instead of feeling sorrow I started feeling safe. That exercise immediately brought up other moments where I felt rejected or alone. But this time it was a moment of realization that I have always been there for this little girl. This little girl is a part of me and has made me who I am today. I realized that maybe instead of going around in circles demanding other people to change, to do what I have been wishing they do, I can count on myself. I can choose people to be in my life where I’m not depending on them to change, they will just simply sit in the tough stuff with me out of love. It feels almost magical to think that I can wipe this girl’s tears, get back up, and try again. I have been doing this for years on my own but to visualize that I’m doing it for her was like “Yeah you’re right I got this!”. So to all the little girls, things will get easier and sometimes it takes time to realize that you only ever needed someone to lift you up and that someone can be you. And to my little girl, I will continue trying to be the woman you need.
